After approximately four months without writing for the blog, something inside me has decided it is time to write again. I am not sure how often or how much I will write but here I am now and I will just let it flow.
Yesterday as I sat with a dear friend having coffee, I told him that I wanted to come back to my writing but I wasn’t expecting it to be less than 24 hours later. Maybe it’s because I am sick and I can’t really do much or because the holidays stirred some stuff up inside me or who knows, but here I am typing without really knowing what I am about to share and it feels so good.
In less than a month marks a year since I left home and I can’t believe it. Although I have had a couple of months to digest everything, it still seems very surreal. It has also been over two full months since I have been home and on one hand it feels like I never left and on the other it feels like everything changed, I know that doesn’t even make sense, but what does?
As the year is about to end and I just celebrated my 25th trip around the sun I have been pondering on the year that has passed. So many things have happened: things and people have come and gone, so many lessons learned, many things to remember very few to forget. But most importantly it has been a year of infinite blessings and immeasurable love.
But, how do I feel? How do I really feel? .. When I got home, and until this day, people keep asking me how does it feel to be back – always with a bit of negative tone to it! Let me tell you it has not been so bad but yes it was scary, and still is sometimes. When I was living abroad, moving around so much and not having any responsibility other than to enjoy myself, there was really very little to worry about. Coming home on the other hand, meant going back to work, dealing with ghosts from the past, fighting old habits, and finding a way to live at ease in a society that isn’t really very compatible with the way I had been living for the past nine months. But it also meant that I was finally going to have some very much needed grounding, see my family and friends again, reconnect with my students, work on new projects, and most importantly – put everything I had learned into practice.
So yeah, I was both terrified and excited to come back home – probably more terrified but I had made a conscious decision that it was time to come back and share my experiences with others.
The first month was a bit turbulent, on the inside. On the outside everything seemed fine, I was working again, spending quality time with my family and friends and I seemed to be very comfortable with how things were going. But suddenly I realized how vulnerable I really was and some of the decisions I was making were coming out of fear and not love. I realized that societal pressures were affecting me and causing inner conflict. The funny thing is that I was so busy being busy that I had not been able to observe my feelings until one day I began to analyze some of the things that were going on in my life. I was falling back into old patterns that were not the best (to say it nicely) and like I mentioned I was making decisions out of fear, which were obviously not going to make me happy in the long run.
Fortunately I was able to catch myself on time and switch my perspective. After that, I was all about finding the balance between the Panama City life and my nomad life – the balance between the old and the new. Let me tell you it wasn’t so hard after all, as long as I was being honest and true to myself. So that is what I am doing now and although it is everyday work, it is what I must do to stay happy and sane!!!
I definitely owe the ability to do this to the lessons I learned while I was away. When I came back I no longer had these eyes of rejection to the place I come from, I came back with gratitude and respect for my roots. I understand how incredibly privileged I am and that my mission is to give back to this place and not run away. This truth is what keeps me at peace and content with where I am right now.
And to answer another common question, yes I miss being away. I miss the freedom of not having to plan anything, the excitement that everything is new, meeting like-minded and inspiring people, being a stranger to everyone, exploring, learning from amazing teachers, being out of my comfort zone, and living in the most beautiful places. I miss ALL of it, but I don’t miss it in a way that I wish I was there, at least not right now. Because I chose to be here and not there. I had no expiration date to my travels, I chose to come back and share the magic I experienced during my nine months away. I look back and see myself a year ago and w a o, how little did I know what the Universe had planned for me. I had not even realized how lost I felt at the time and I could not begin to imagine how this trip was going to shake me the way it did. It opened so many doors on every single level of my being. And now here I am, slowly digesting it all and finding a way to share it with those around me.